today felt like a day to write something about the post i wrote the other day; maybe beef up my ta-doos and wax hopeful and refreshed about the world (?) and my place in it and, ooh, new recipe. but, then? i realized that would be
because i’m not hopeful today, or refreshed – nor have i cooked a new recipe lately, because i am just.tired. couple that with a gritch-ass transition for the baby bear comin’ back from his papa’s house, and i am in no mood to be cheery.
but then, also, i came across this gem of amazing brilliance and thought, “oh fuck yes.” and also that it sounds like a lovely thing to do when one is feeling maybe exhausted and cranky and DONE with the way the world is. without further ado, ahem ahem…
i am shadyfuckenmama. i am shadyfuckenmama when i glory in my zen fierceness, my stubborn mellow; when i see.red-breathe.deep-believe-seek-do.right.by.me. i am shadyfuckenmama when i dance like no one’s watching, but shake my ass like i mean it, revel hard in my intrinsic groove that no one,
i mean no one
can break; not unlike my heart, which, though fairly dented, bruised and scratched, remains in one piece with a root reaching deepdeep into a core solid, straight and defined.
i am shadyfuckenmama when i laugh hard at life’s little absurdities, cry unashamed at life’s immense sorrows, yell relentless from the pit of my gut when i’m not heard; when i take a running head-start with my eyes closed tight, only to trip and plummet, faking flailing for flying and pretending like i meant it the.whole.time,
i SLAM into unforgiving ground, and from that flat.splat.view of the world, i will reach out and ask for help. most days. i am shadyfuckenmama when i work graveyard shiftwork in emergency services 40+ hours a week, keep a house, and raise a baby on my own terms; when i commit to living consciously from a place of choice rather than rote, when i make my own effing tortillas and try try try to grow a garden patch. when i write like i mean it, sing like i can, make love to my lover, ride my bike up big hills, turn my face towards the stars til they tickle my lashes, drink good beer and eat rich foods, jiggle naked, smile big, rarely fail to listen to my heart, always remember to believebelievebelieve in the universe and what lies within;
i am .unequivocally. me.